Becky Blackwell Begins Her Final Journey

Becky Blackwell our very good friend here in Idaho Springs, CO just announced to the church today that she has cancer and that it has spread to her brain, lungs, liver and other organs. Her doctor advised her to get her affairs in order.

Well...what to do with this shocking news?

Amy and I have know for a while just how dire Becky's situation was and is. We have already begun our grieving months ago with both of us trying to figure out how to deal with it and how to reconfigure how we relate to her. It's different when someone you know has a terminal illness. Do you talk about it? Or do you ignore the 800 pound gorilla in the room...like I usually do.

I have a long notorious history of avoiding this topic of death especially when it comes to my relatives and friends. I have unintentionally made for myself a reputation for not attending funerals even of close relatives.

I can easily discuss this horrid topic in a casual disinterested abstract way discussing death philosophically in a controlled environment. But...when it comes to the reality of it...where the rubber meets the road I fade away. I make myself scarce.

I first met Becky and her husband Brian when Pastor Josh Nelson drove me up to the First Baptist Church in Idaho Springs on a Wednesday night bible study back in January of 2015. We were there to seek help in locating housing in Idaho Springs for me.

Pastor Nelson and our church, Mercy Church, ordained me sending me out to the mountain towns and villages of Colorado to assist the local churches there. Idaho Springs was to be the first town of many on my itinerary.

After the bible study concluded that evening, Brian Blackwell came up to me and told me about his old abandoned rental house on the corner of 9th and Colorado. Could I use that? He asked. There was no heat or water but it was better than camping out in the forest in January!

Brian then grabbed Becky and asked her. At the time she seemed non- plussed about it. Then she asked where I was from. I told her from a town near Peoria, Illinois. She gasped as she told me she was from Peoria!

After that, Becky, Brian and I were fast friends. I moved into the old Lucas House shortly thereafter and stayed until late 2016. It was a beautiful experience in so many ways.

The Blackwells never charged me rent or for utilities. They got the furnace up and running and the water reconnected. They were always there to help. They made feel so welcomed in church too. As did Pastor Dawit.

Now, Becky needs help, but, I have no help to give her...other than to be there for her along with Brian and all of their many good friends.

Becky is so brave....and she is so willing to let life happen as God has planned for her. Yet, as we all will do at some point in our lives she struggles with God. Job and Jacob struggled with God as well. There is nothing wrong with confronting God, arguing and debating  with him. God wants us to "real" with him.

This Wednesday night Amy and I will provide the food for our weekly supper since Becky is no longer physically able to do so.

Wednesday nights will no longer be the same after she's gone. Amy and I will sorely miss her wit, charm and courage.

Poor Brian could barely hold the tears this morning in church. Neither could Amy and I.

It's so true about life. That's it's all about saying hello and goodbye. As we anticipate saying "hello" to Edgar so we begin to say "goodbye" to our dear friend, sister and mentor, Becky Blackwell as she begins her short journey to that mysterious locale Shakespeare called, the undiscovered country.

We love you Becky and always will. We will tell little Edgar all about you as he grows up.

As we begin saying "goodbye" to Becky we gladly anticipate saying "hello" again sometime in the near future where goodbyes will only be a long lost memory.

Amen.

First Baptist Church is holding a baby shower for Edgar two weeks from now on October 29th right after Sunday service. That Sunday we are also moving out of Idaho Springs to Lakewood, CO. It will be a busy day for sure!

BR Schoenbein
Amy Schoenbein
Edgar Schoenbein

October 15, 2017- Sunday

Embracing The Absurd!

Though life APPEARS to be absurd in that it seems to be nonsensical most times it is not the ultimate reality. And...the paradoxial conundrum that confronts us daily which is that we must search for that which we cannot fully find...needs to be fully accepted and embraced by us.

I have operated under the premise that life had certain parameters or protocols that governed everything.

In other words you reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. You put out bad in the world you invariably get bad back etc. Theologians call it retributive justice. Or you may call it karma.

You work hard...you prosper and good things come to you. You speak your world into existence. Positive thinking yields positive results. Likewise, negative thinking results in negative things happening to you.

Well...that has not been what I have experienced 100% of the time. Sometimes it is true. But, other times...not so much. Those may be general rules that apply to the mass of humanity but not necessarily to each individual.

On my walk across the Great Plains in 2014 I wrestled with the apparent meaninglessness of life.

I have witnessed people some of whom were co-workers who conducted their business in so many shady ways stealing from their clients and customers and yet prospered greatly.

On the other hand, others treated their customers with honesty, professionalism, kindness bending over backwards for them. Sometimes they prospered but many times they came up a day late and a dollar short.

This is the reality we all live in. I searched for wisdom beyond my experience by going to Proverbs in the Bible where it puts forth the idea that the wicked prosper not...but rather end up on the ash heap. The innocent reap rewards etc, etc.

Retributive justice. A great term you will find in the nomenclature of the theologian.

God is just. If I am just then a just God would reward me accordingly.

Right?

Maybe and maybe not. That's the conclusion I came up with.

I can do a couple of things in response to all of this. I can commit philosophical suicide by ignoring the issue altogether and suffer the tragedies of life quietly...or, I can commit physical suicide and resign myself to a dark oblivion in the fuzzy hazy realm of the hereafter where all my troubles supposedly would vanish. No more life...no more problems.

Right?

I don't like ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the room...so pretending life is non complex and everything in the Universe is ordered with discernable patterns that we can follow is not a viable option.

And, physical suicide is such an egregious alternative that it is no option at all.

No. Neither of those options work for me.

There is I think...a third option. Embrace the apparent absurdity and meaninglessness of life and agree that while the absurdity feels and looks really real it is not ultimate reality but only an illusion.

My ultimate reality and your ultimate reality is God. My ultimate reality, my ultimate purpose in life is my contact with God, my relationship with this Being, my search for the Unsearchable, who doesn't merely have life but IS Life, who doesn't just love but rather IS Love.

So, therefore, I do not ignore the paradox that we must search for the Unsearchable and come to know the Unknowable. And, I do not resign myself to physical suicide to escape the seeming reality of absurdity. Instead, I simply recognize that this day to day reality I find myself in finally ends in the tragedy of my death, but; beyond that is Ultimate Reality waiting for my arrival.

I don't have a clue about life after death or life after life after death as N.T Wright characterizes it. Heck, I don't even have a clue about the life I'm actually living right now. But, that's ok for now.

So...what to do?

Embrace life with all it's absurdity and lack of sense, don't ask "why" when something bad happens or suffering comes. Put your head down and walk resolutely right into the wind and simply push on.

Seek God knowing that you cannot possibly find Him completely in all that He is. Just make contact. Love the paradox of getting to know the Unknowable. Everything else is mere detail.

Don't let the absurdity of life alienate you from God. Embrace the absurdity and God simultaneously and know that it's your relationship with the All Knowing that eventually overpowers the absurd.

BR Schoenbein
Amy Schoenbein
Edgar Schoenbein

August 24, 2017- Thursday

Change Is One Of The Few Things You Can Count On

As Benjamin Franklin once quipped so long ago; there are 2 certainties in life...death and taxes. I would add a third...change.

Nothing stays the same. Time appears to flow in one direction only which is forward. It waits for no one as it is said.

This was on my mind the other day hiking down the Highline Canal Trail in Cherry Hills. I have hiked this trail hundreds of times noting the individual trees, stumps, rocks, bushes...you name it.

I walked this trail back in February of 2003 when I first moved to Colorado to live with my former wife. She had moved out from our home in Delavan, Illinois to Denver 6 months earlier.

As I was missing my life in rural Illinois where I used to hike the Rock Island Trail between the tiny villages of Dunlap and Wyoming, I decided to assuage my loneliness by hiking the Highline Canal Trail which parallels the canal once dug by an association of farmers and ranchers in the Denver area for the purpose of irrigating their fields and livestock.

As I ambled into Colorado in August of 2014 after hiking across the Great Plains from Illinois I began to settle down, first in Denver then in the mountain town of Idaho Springs.

Being restless as usual I have hiked in the flat lands as well as in the mountains. That's what I do. I hike. Invariably, I work through things and issues by placing one foot in front of the other. It's how I deal with the vagaries of life.

And, every time I hike the urban trail along the Highline Canal I notice a cottonwood here and locust there are missing. Most are cut down or fall down of their own accord due to rot or disease or both.

I also notice houses along the way have been remodeled or that a different family has moved in altogether. Where once in the backyard there was a Jungle Jim...now there is not. Where once there was an inches wide game trail there is now a 10 foot wide, manicured trail.

I used to harvest wild plums on trees that lined the canal side of the trail next to the Denver Kent School. Sometime, in the last few years all those trees were cut down. Why? I have no clue.

The removal of those wild plum trees made the trail look so different as to be  unrecognizable to me.

It made me sad...and lonesome. I once made purple jam out of those plums and gave some away to friends.

Sometimes, when I travel back home to Illinois I note changes made in town and out in the country that I don't recognize. These changes in landscape make me lose perspective. I lose touch with not only my hometown or other areas I'm familiar with but with myself as well.

I become like a bird which lost its nest because of storm winds and I find myself flying over the area I once lived only to become more and more confused. Always seeking, looking for home...but never quite finding it.

Even people that I once knew and loved began passing away...forever changing the landscape of my mind and heart. Where have they all gone...I wondered​?

No matter how old we get, no matter what we endure in this life...it is indeed a short life. Pretty soon once we're gone and everyone who knew us is gone it will be as if we never existed in the first place.

So, when I come back home to Illinois and walk down Main Street and notice that old man Miller's house has been torn down and replaced with a cheap tin shed or when the old laundromat has been dozed and a green park has been landscaped in its place or Mrs. Vance who seemingly lived forever in the big white house on First has now passed away at the ripe old age of 94 I find myself clinging all the more tightly to God who as we know changes not. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I cannot believe a person can remain truly sane without a deep abiding in God's protection and providence. So, when I hike a very familiar trail or walk down a street where I used to play as a child back in the 60s and I lose my way due to some change or whatnot I whisper in God's ear, Lord...please take my hand as I know not where I am...but you do.

All we can do is keep walking, keep going forward with Time knowing that everything changes including ourselves given enough time. So, as I struggle to stay sane in a world unraveling around me, I keep walking with and to God...his hand in mine. And, now everything is ok again. God is here. God is good. God is forever.

BR Schoenbein
Amy Schoenbein
Baby Edgar Schoenbein

June 11, 2017- Sunday

Edgar Masters Schoenbein

Amy and I decided to name our baby boy after Edgar Lee Masters my favorite author and poet from Petersburg and Lewistown IL.

I love his style of writing, his themes of the "village" and rural America and his love for Jeffersonian democracy.

I also consider Edgar Lee to be a spiritual brother of mine. Our life stories parallel on many levels.

Amy is foursquare behind me on this. She had the right to veto.

We can't wait to welcome little Edgar into our family this fall!

Pics below show Edgar Lee Masters as well as Amy and myself.

Traveled To Texas And Arizona Last 2 Weeks

Amy and I went on road trip to Dallas a week ago last Wednesday to do some marketing work for our boss, Trey, who owns a dry-cleaning business. We then departed for the Mogollon Rim in Arizona where Amy's grandmother, affectionally known as "Mimi" and her son, Amy's uncle Alvy lives.

We have been here in Arizona in the nearby Sitgrieves National Forest for 5 days now with Monday morning our planned departure date.

It has been a fun and relaxing stay here in Mimi and Alvy's home which sits on 4 acres surrounded by an ocean of cedars and pines. This area is part of the renowned Mogollon Rim, a 200 mile escarpment in North Central Arizona.

I heard from back home in Colorado that our area got anywhere from 15 inches to over 2 feet of snow. And, here I just planted my mini garden before we left!

The fun here has been offset by some bad news from Illinois. My former secretary from State Farm called me this morning to give the heart rendering news that my old fellow insurance adjuster pal who started with me back in 1986 lost his wife of some 30 years. She was only in her early 50s.

I have heard it said that God takes you after he has deemed that your life's work and purpose is over. But, it seems inconceivable to me that someone who still has children and young grandchildren that their purpose is somehow finished. On the other hand, I have no idea what God's plan is for any of us. That's a question for another day in another dimension.

We are fixing to leave AZ on Monday and get back to Idaho Springs late Tuesday. After that I plan to get on board with a roofing company and sell new roofs because of the recent hail storm down in Lakewood and Denver. I have done this type of work for years along with catastrophic insurance claim handling.

And, I have other irons in the fire which I am not at liberty to discuss. So, we will just see where the road leads.

Meanwhile, our genetic testing from the OBGYN came up with nothing negative. We dodged a bullet there to be sure. And, we learned from that DNA testing that we are going to have a son!

Amy is struggling to some degree with her pregnancy because this is her first. Likewise, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be 58 years old when my son is born. Looking further into the scary math of the situation means I will be 76 years old when my boy graduates from high school! The other father's will range from their late 30s to 40s or 50s. Yikes!

My favorite author and poet, Edgar Lee Masters, of Spoon River Anthology fame, had 3 much older children like me but then married a woman 32 years his junior and had a child, Hilary, when Edgar was 60 years old.

I remember reading of his struggles in his biography with having a young child at his advanced age. He remarked that young Hilary was his most talented child and that he absolutely loved having him around his hotel room at the Chelsea in Manhattan. During the child's school years his mother would take young Hilary back home with her to Kansas City. Then, during the summer vacation both mother and child would travel to New York to spend the 3 months with Edgar Lee. They would usually rent a house in upstate NY and Edgar Lee would put in a garden and work on that in the morning and do his writing in the afternoons followed up with long walks with Hilary and Ellen in the early evening.

Those years with little Hilary and his young wife, Ellen, were his best, he once wrote.

When Edgar Lee died at the age of 81 in a Pennsylvania nursing home young Hilary now 22 years old and a recent college graduate was put in charge of the funeral arrangements.

In honor of the recently deceased the schools and businesses of Petersburg, Illinois closed up early on the day of the funeral to give the townspeople time to watch the passing funeral motorcade as it wound it's way up the hill to Oakland Cemetery. Just a few feet away from his grave lies Ann Rutledge who was Abraham Lincoln's first and greatest love. Masters was once commissioned to compose a epitaph for her tombstone. It was one of Master's best poems.

I have visited Master's gravesite many times and I am amazed with his own epitaph carved there on which reads as follows:

"Good friends, let's to the fields...
After a little walk and by your pardon
I think I'll sleep, there is no sweeter thing,
Nor fate more blessed than to sleep.

I am a dream out of a blessed sleep-
Let's walk and hear the lark."

Hilary went on to have a distinguished literary career as a writer and a professor. He died of complications from surgery in 2015 at the age of 87.

Amy and I are poring over possible names for our baby. I think one possiblity is Edgar Masters Schoenbein in honor of my favorite writer and poet. But, Amy will have the last word on the name.

Other names we are considering are Samuel, Rudolf, Atticus, Aiden, Jefferson and even Caldwell. Hahahaha!

Well, it's time to get back to Mimis for supper. We are at the local Safeway right now where we can get Wi-Fi so I can update my blog.

On Sunday, we plan on attending church with Mimi as she is a faithful and long time member in her local congregation.

The Sun is setting fast now and the winds are picking up so see all y'all on the sunny side.

The pics show Amy with Mimi, Mimi's house and Uncle Alvy, Mimi, Alvy's neice, Mela and Amy feeding ducks at the lake this morning.

BR Schoenbein
Amy Schoenbein
Baby Schoenbein

May 19, 2017- Friday

Baby Schoenbein Is 2.7 cm Long

Arrived a bit late to Dr Hoffman's office this morning where she did a sonogram of the baby. She measured the baby at 2.7 cm which is roughly the size of a cherry or strawberry. She's moving around wiggling her arms too which is a good sign.

We are now 9.5 weeks into the pregnancy and by all accounts everything is right on schedule. We saw the two brain hemispheres along with her arms and legs.

I will be administering daily shots to Amy for prevention of DVT as she has a slight history of blood clots.

Before we arrived at the doctor's we hiked around Crown Hill Open Space which is only a few blocks away from the doctor's office located at Lutheran Hospital.

Coincidentally, Crown Hill is only a couple of blocks away from the home I lived in from 2003 to 2006. I used to hike there almost daily. So, it was a nice homecoming of sorts for me.

Today was a spectacularly beautiful sunny, warm spring day, perfect for a walk around the lake.

Seeing the baby wiggle on the sonogram screen was a delight and it really hit home for me today that I'm going to be a new father all over again! It's scary to tell the truth, but looking forward to the big event regardless.

I can't wait to introduce the baby to his half siblings. I'm sure they will be estatic.

Amy seems to be coping very well despite her daily nausea. She is eating very healthy and is reading up on the latest trends in raising children.

The first pic shows the sonogram rendition of Baby Schoenbein. And, if you look at it just right and magnify the pic it looks like the baby is laying on his side with one eye visible and a pug nose wearing a Brooks Brothers cashmere flat hat...which would be perfect as everyone knows I love wearing hats. Maybe it's just me but I can see it.

Other pics show Lutheran Hospital and Crown Hill Open Space.

I'm thinking back now 3 years ago when I started this trek and I remember the fear that welled up the night before tossing and  turning in bed thinking of all that could possibly go wrong along with the dangers involved...getting  hit by cars, dangerous people, vicious animals, bad weather, little food, no water etc. That fear I felt creeping up in my gut is absolutely nothing compared to the fear I am experiencing right now. Primal fear. Having a newborn at almost 60 years old! Yikes!! 

And, yet, I am reminded that I went through this 3 times before and should do relatively well. And, there is God, of course. Why should I fear?

I am being given a great gift here. I'm getting a " do over." I wasn't a good father back in the day...but I do learn from my mistakes...which is comforting.

So...it's on to tomorrow with a forward look to the horizon coming up in November. It will be here in no time. Diapers. Car seats. Crying at night. Crying in the day. Night feeding. Earaches. Doctor appointments. First day at school. Homework! Yuk! Then dates. Graduation from high school. College. Bills. OMG. I'm getting hives just thinking about it.

But, I can't look at that way. Gotta take it one day at a time. One prayer at a time. It's a marathon not a sprint. The old days of hiking 10-20 miles a day for months on end looks pretty tame compared to what's in store up ahead.

Grace and peace to you all.

BR Schoenbein
Amy Schoenbein
Baby Schoenbein

April 18, 2017- Tuesday

Easter Sunday At Calvary Evergreen

Inspiring Easter morning at Calvary Evergreen. Pastor Craig sermonized on the story in Luke regarding the two disciples walking the road to Emmaus following the Resurrection.

For Amy and me this was our first Easter together as a married couple as well as our first Easter together being pregnant.

I couldn't ask for a more blessed day. We then went home and cooked dinner together celebrating by watching "Ben Hur" and "The Passion."

Early next week we have appointment with Lutheran Hospital in Denver to take a battery of genetic testing.

What a strange destiny these past three years. On April 28, 2014 I headed out of my hometown walking down Rt 24 on my way to the Pacific. This milestone is coming up soon and you can bet I'll be remembering all of the events that eventually led me to Idaho Springs, to Amy and to my own true self.

Pics show Amy's baby bump while sitting in Church today, and last pic is of Pastor Craig Babcock my boss.

BR Schoenbein
Amy Schoenbein
Baby Schoenbein

April 16, 2017- Easter Sunday